Questions and Answers Most Commonly asked about Active Parenting

1.  Why should I take a course in parent education? Kids don't come
with instructions!  Parenting is being recognized as a skill and ,
like any skill, parenting can be improved.

Society has changed so much in the past 30 years that the need for new
parenting skills within our democratic society has become imperative. 
The old autocratic approach seems to foster rebellion in modern
children and the permissive style of parenting has also been found
wanting.

2.  What is self-esteem and how can I develop it in my child/teen?
Self-Esteem is the opinion that we have of ourselves.  Do we like
ourselves?  Do we value ourselves?  Do we hold ourselves in high self-
esteem or low self-esteem?  As such, it is an attitude, not a feeling
as is often talked about.

A child's self-esteem comes from his perception about how he is doing
in many areas of life.  The most important seem to be the areas of
belonging, learning and contributing.  Parents can help by providing
opportunities for their children to experience success in these areas.
In addition, we teach self-esteem by helping our children form
positive attitudes, and by using such encouragement skills as
"Building on strengths," "Instilling Confidence in your children" and
"Learning to accept your children for who they are."

3.  How early can one begin using the skills taught in Active
Parenting programs? Although Active Parenting Today  is subtitled "for
parents of two to twelve year olds," most parents find they can begin
using these skills at about one year of age.  Even when the child
can't respond verbally, they can have enough comprehension to respond
to choices, consequences and other parenting methods.

4.  How effective is it for one parent to take the course and meet
resistance from the significant other? We stress the importance of
each parent working to develop his or her own relationship with his or
her children.  Of course, it's better when both parents take the
course and can present a unified front to their child. However, the
child will benefit even if only one parent takes an active approach to
parenting.  In many cases, the second parent will learn from the first
parent's modeling of the skills.  Many times, the second parent will
also take a later course.

5.  What is the difference between Logical Consequences and
Punishment? Logical consequences is a discipline skill developed by
the great psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs as a replacement for punishment.
He reasoned that the problem with punishment in a democratic society
is that it gives the person being punished the presumed right to
retaliate.  Children resent being "hurt" by their parents for
misbehavior and look for ways down the road to get even.  Logical
consequences are set up by parents to show children what logically
follows when they break a rule or otherwise violate the needs of a
situation.  The consequence is logically connected to the misbehavior
and delivered in a firm yet calm manner, without the anger often
present in punishment.  We take a full hour to teach this important
skill in Active Parenting.

6.  How does one know how involved to remain in a teen's "life"?
Parental involvement is still important during the teen years. 
Parents usually err by trying to over control the teen, failing to
realize that teenagers need to take a giant step forward in the
development of their independence, or parents back off too far
allowing the teen too much freedom, which the teen is not ready to
handle.  The best way to gauge your involvement is to pull back slowly
and see if your teen has the ability to handle more and more freedom
responsibly.  If his level of responsibility is not up to the task,
then become more involved again, tightening up on the reins.

7.  How does one set "limits" when using Logical Consequences? Logical
consequences are usually delivered in the form of an either-or choice.
For example, either pick up your toys and put them away or I'll put 
them away and you won't have them for the rest of the day.  In this
case, the limit is that the toys will not be allowed to stay where
they are.  The parent recognizes that she cannot control the child's
behavior, only her own.  By giving the child the choice of putting
they toys away himself...and then being able to play with them when he
wants to or having the parent put away the toys and losing the
privilege of playing with them for a period of time teaches the child
to live within the limits.

8.  How does one work with the fine line of setting limits with teens,
yet encouraging making own choices and becoming independent? It's
critical to involve teens in the limit setting process.  They resent
being dictated to and they will go to great lengths to show us that we
cannot control their lives.  On the other hand if we sit down with the
teen and discuss the problem, and talk about the limits together, they
are much more likely to accept our authority.  It's important to
consider their thoughts and feelings about the subject, and to modify
our own opinions on the evidence they present.  This does not mean
caving in to unreasonable demands, but teaching them how to
respectfully negotiate their point of view.

9.   Where can we attend an Active Parenting class? We don't have a
list of regular courses being held.  At any given time, there are
thousands of courses being offered at schools, churches and other
religious institutions, social service agencies, hospitals, on
military bases and elsewhere.  Contact one of these organizations near
you and see if they are offering a course.  If they are not, you may
wish to have someone from the organization write us for more
information on how to get a course going.  Many parents become the
stimulus for getting a parenting education group going in these
organizations.

10.  Is it important to take the course, or can I get the same
information by reading the book? The information is certainly
available from reading the book.  Most parents, however, find that
they gain a lot from sharing with other parents under the direction of
an experienced group leader.  In addition, the video vignettes seen
during an active parenting group help many of the skills taught come
alive in a way that makes them much easier to learn.  Many parents
start by reading the book and then take a course at a later date