CyberPals/CyberLove: What does it all mean for lesbians? Part I by Martha Pearse, Ph.D. ---- For those of you who may be wondering, there is a new class of Haves and Have Nots in the world: Those who have or do not have...a life online. For the uninitiated or unaddicted, a life online means you have friends/lover(s)/playmates or even business in cyberspace. Let's do business another time. For now, let's talk about the fun stuff, the women's hangouts. If you have much of a life online, and you have non-online friends (what a concept), there may be a conflict already. If you have a lover/partner IRT [in real time] and a sweetie or close friends online, you are more than likely in or about to be in big trouble. Especially if the IRT folks and the cyberfolks do not care much for each other. Online relationships have an intensity and at times a seductiveness that is unparalleled in 3D, unless, of course, you have just fallen in love. Okay, some would call it addiction. So in the spirit of scholarly endeavor, this being a high class publication, it would be well to examine the psychology of these involvements. Because sooner or later more of you than not will experience them. Lets consider this on three levels: friendship, flirting, and romance. But before we get to the lurid details, let's see what they all have in common, i.e. that this whole scenario is done without visual cues. Now, IRT, those of us who are sighted make split second judgments upon meeting other people. We notice their gender, ethnicity, age, size, perceived similarities and dissimilarities. Sometimes we have instant opinions about whether the other person is attractive/unattractive, good/bad, interesting/boring, etc. We use our senses of sight, smell, hearing, and of course then we filter it through the psychological baggage we all carry around. This is not necessarily a great system, but it's what most of us use for starters. The wisest among us will reserve further judgment until something more illuminating comes out of human interaction -- say, kindness, character, intelligence, and/or talent. Some, of course, don't bother taking that kind of time out of their day. In cyberspace, all that's available is the written word. It is a medium in which the verbally gifted have a decided early advantage. Those who are less fortunate, however, still have plenty of chances to join the action and ultimately they have as much opportunity to display their character and talents as anyone else. In the most benevolent psychological sense, it is a gold mine. To be able to be who you are without worrying that someone will like or dislike you because you are too fat or thin, old or young, is something most of us value. Of course if you've always been able to get by on looks without much to shore it up, this could be a problem. And of course, online relationships don't always work out to be what we would like. Let us not, however, digress. There is something about the screen that gives the illusion of trustworthiness. Whether it is true or not is irrelevant. In the early research on psychological tests taken on the computer, it was demonstrated that people are more honest in that medium than taking the same test in a room by themselves with pencil and paper. Go figure. Is it because the monitor does not scowl at your comments? Does not talk back or criticize? Does not catch you in your untruths? Or because it has an on/off switch that gives us the ultimate control? Whatever it is, it affords many an ease in talking, relating, that is not available in 3D. This is even easier than airport intimacy -- you know, where total strangers tell you their life stories, including their worst transgressions, before you can get from Denver to Kansas City. And you know they feel a lot better for it. Unless one has a laser-beam focus on a specific interest, say chess, one is looking for the same things online that one looks for in 3D: a safe place, acceptance, the "space" to feel comfortable and be who you really are. Perhaps the most powerful aspect of all is that online affords a feeling of community--a community that often is missing for most people today. If you live in the gay/lesbian/bisexual community, and moreso if you live in a small town or in an isolated/closeted profession, the online community is a godsend. Where else can you find several million like-minded people? ---------- CyberPals/CyberLove: What does it all mean for lesbians? Part I by Martha Pearse, Ph.D. ---- Let us now return to the most common types of interactions, beginning with the most benign and most meaningful IMHO (in my humble opinion) -- friendship. The term here is used broadly, to include the most casual of recognition("Hi Toots, missed you yesterday in Women's Space), to extraordinary acts of deep caring, thoughtfulness and concern. The women in many cities have Sunday brunch. Groups get together in central locations, such as Washington, DC, for a "reunion." Clusters of women, cybersibs, share hotel rooms for PrideFest in San Francisco, never having seen each other before. Recently there was a camping trip in North Carolina. Lifetime friendships are formed, and are solid, because they began with sharing those inner qualities that so often get ignored when goodness gets overshadowed by a negative superficial first impression. Flirting. Now THIS is a topic for someone's dissertation. Shy women who can barely utter an audible hello burst into full bloom in the flirting department. These are not come-ons. This is just playful stuff. This is where women who never get to play with each other, play with gusto. This is where you will see the wittiest, quickest, most playful and verbally gifted women at their very best. And guess what, everybody loves the attention -- the flirter, the flirtee and the audience. It is social skills practice for some, release for the closeted many who seek a safe place to have fun, and entertainment for the voyeurs. You don't have to make a date or go home with anyone, or deal with the awkwardness of refusing to do so. Everyone can seem for the moment like the woman of your dreams. It is a dance, swirling and whirling until one person tires of it or moves on to a new partner. Rarely does anyone step out of bounds. It's done on the ballroom floor, to the delight of everyone. Romance. If you think you are going to find Ms. Right, or even Ms. You'll Do, well, think again. Online romances do flourish, for all the reasons stated above. They often crash and burn, too. Any time we create our dream partners out of a dream...well, dream on. Reality can be a jolt. The world is full of very lonely people, and it's safe to assume that a lot of people lurking and talking in online chat rooms are among them. For some this is forgettable play. For others, it is rehearsal. For a few, it is the real thing. There are numerous stories of love that endures and flourishes, people who move across country and never regret it, so this is certainly not to say it can't happen. The discussion boards -- bulletin-boards where people post notes and messages, about a specific topic -- can be very romantic reading. The Online Relationship board on one service is a tender testimonial to those who've risked and for the most part have been rewarded. It just isn't for everyone. If you do this, be prepared for large online bills, telephone bills, travel bills, gift bills, and others, not to mention the U-Haul. Cybersex: This really happens, or so they say. LOL. Somehow it lacks a certain flavor or texture, but to those who are otherwise doing without, apparently it will suffice. For some this can be a very creative experience, inventing heretofore unpublished ways of making love, feeling passion, or just plain cavorting. The risk of disease transmission is minimal. The risk of having real intimacy is minimal, too, but to each her own. JoAnn Loulan, here's another book. A few words for the cybernewbie: Enter the world of lesbian cyberrelationships with caution. Unless you are a determined and committed recluse, or have a very jealous f2f (face to face) lover, you will get caught up in this. It is a safe (mostly), alluring playground full of bright, caring, playful women, as well as a place for friends to meet and share a worry or a sorrow. Just remember these little reminders: Don't: be stupid, respond to blatant sexual approaches, accept gifs (pictures) of people soliciting sex partners, say anything you wouldn't want your lover to see, or give up your real life. Do: make frequent reality checks, meet any online loves f2f as soon as possible, open your heart a little and get to know some really fine women, take little risks, and keep your day job. ---- Dr. Pearse is licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Denver. Reprinted with permission from Circles: Celebrating Colorado's Lesbian Community, Volume 1 Number 1. Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc. All rights reserved