35 Going on 13?
                    Welcome to Lesbian & Gay Adolescence

                          Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.


   Jerome is 35-years-old. He has a successful career, and for many years
   he's thought of himself as an adult. Last year, he began to notice
   that he feels sexually attracted to men. That made sense to him; he
   had dated women off and on, but none of them was very important to
   him.

   What he doesn't understand are his mood swings. One minute he feels on
   top of the world, ecstatic, couldn't be happier. The next minute he's
   miserable, depressed, lonely, doesn't know what to do with himself.
   Jerome's sexual feelings are also bewildering. Sex has never been very
   important to him; now he can't stop thinking about it.

   Charlene is also confused. She's known for over ten years that she's a
   lesbian, and she's still with her first woman lover. They have a small
   circle of friends, all women who are in long-term relationships, but
   they haven't had very much contact with the lesbian and gay community
   until recently. Charlene began doing volunteer work at the local gay
   and lesbian community center, where she's met a variety of other
   lesbians and gay men, both partnered and single. She finds some of the
   women very sexually attractive, something that has never happened to
   her before. She's also having mood swings. She's afraid to tell her
   lover how she's feeling, but there is already tension between them
   because Charlene's partner can tell something is wrong.

   Both Jerome and Charlene are experiencing delayed adolescence.
   Teenagers typically have mood swings and intense sexual feelings, to
   no one's surprise. When adults start feeling and acting like
   teenagers, everyone is caught off guard. The
   adult-going-on-adolescence phenomenon is common in the gay and lesbian
   community. Here's why.

   Many lesbians and gay men do not recognize their feelings for members
   of the same gender when they are teenagers. Instead, they start coming
   out at 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, or older. When they were teenagers, the
   men dated women and the women dated men, if they dated at all. Often
   they did not experience intense sexuality and/or mood swings when they
   were in their teens. Some of them married and had children. Then one
   day, much to their surprise, they begin to find members of the same
   gender attractive. Eventually, they realize they want their primary
   relationships to be gay or lesbian.

   Delayed adolescence is a mixed blessing. These feelings can be hard to
   manage when you're an adult. You have a responsible job and an
   established circle of friends; you're expected to deal maturely with
   your emotions and relationships. But there's part of you that wants to
   have a mad, passionate fling, or mope about for days on end. And no
   one around you understands what's going on. That's the bad news. The
   good news, for many gay men and lesbian women, is that the world
   suddenly makes sense. Or at the very least, sex makes sense. Love
   finally makes sense. Delayed adolescence can be a joyous time, a time
   when you finally come to know who you really are.

   Here are some suggestions for managing delayed adolescence while
   enjoying it:


           Remember that you won't feel like this forever and it
          won't kill you; adolescence is not a terminal condition.
           Try to find ways to deal with your feelings that won't
          jeopardize the adult life you've created. For instance, even
          though you feel wonderful about being gay or lesbian, be
          cautious about coming out at work, to friends, or to relatives
          until you've taken a realistic look at all the possible
          responses, positive and negative.
           Find ways to express your intense sexual feelings that
          will not cost more than you're willing to pay. If you're in a
          relationship, understand clearly the damage an affair could
          cause.
           Whenever you get sexually involved with a new partner,
          practice safer sex.
           Remember sexual compatibility is not a sufficient
          basis for a relationship. If you don't have shared values,
          common interests and the ability to communicate, go ahead and
          have a good time in bed, but don't start planning the wedding.
           If you have a fling with someone who has never had a
          same-gender lover before, understand that he or she might not
          be on the way out of the closet.
           Have fun!

   Jerome has been learning about delayed adolescence and finds that it
   helps to have an explanation for how he feels. He's finding ways to
   manage his moods and feelings. He keeps a journal and also gives
   himself permission to have sexual fantasies. Charlene has started
   talking with her partner about her confused new feelings, which has
   helped. But they still are having a hard time and are looking for a
   couples counselor to help them through it.

   As long as we live in a homophobic world, delayed adolescence will be
   a reality for many of us. It's not always fun, but it is manageable,
   and it is an important part of our growth and development. And parts
   of it are delightful!

   Note: The people described here are fictitious and any resemblance to
   any person, living or dead, is coincidental.


   Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.



     Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
                         All rights reserved