SOME AMERICAN CUSTOMS FOR IMMIGRANTS An excerpt from LIFE IN THE USA: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR IMMIGRANTS AND AMERICANS, by Elliot Essman ********************************************* All countries have unique customs and mores, and the United States is no exception. American society is open and mobile yet most Americans know little about the rest of the world. Few Americans speak a foreign language fluently. Most cannot understand why everyone isn't American in the first place. Some are suspicious of foreigners, but many more are open, giving and friendly to people from other countries. ETIQUETTE AND CUSTOMS Despite the openness of American society, Americans retain many manners and customs that are common in the industrialized, "Western" world. There are also different regional customs and practices. In addition, you'll probably run into people from every other country in the world, who keep their own customs alive. A good guide like Charlotte Ford's "Guide to Modern Manners" or Judith Martin's "Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Millennium" is essential reading. Americans shake hands with each other when first introduced, or when they meet again, but rarely when they part (a more European custom). Social kissing, as a greeting, is also sometimes acceptable between men and women who know each other well and between women. American men rarely embrace each other or kiss on both cheeks. When two Americans are standing and talking to each other they stay at least 16 inches away from each other. It is permissible for an American to start a conversation with a stranger but the conversation should be immediately ended if the person does not seem to want to talk. Be especially careful not to force your attention on someone in a plane, train or bus. If you meet someone you know on the street while you are with someone else, it is polite to introduce the person. If you are with a group of mainly English-speaking people and the conversation is going on in English, it is not polite to speak in your own or another foreign language for more than a few sentences. Whatever language you speak in, try to avoid swear words. Of course, "dirty," "off-color," or sexually explicit stories or jokes should be avoided. If you are in a movie theater or at a concert or play, it is not polite to talk during the performance, even in a whisper. SOCIAL EVENTS AND PARTIES These can pose bewildering problems for Americans and foreigners alike. You'll have to determine how formal the party or event is, what kind of food or drink will be served (if any), whether or not a gift is expected, and, if so, what type of gift is appropriate. For some people and in some regions, "informal" means blue jeans and T-shirts. For some others, it can mean sports jackets and ties. It pays to ask specific questions about how you should dress when someone invites you ("Do I need to wear a dress? jacket and tie?"). Even if informal clothing is in order, keep your clothes clean. The phrase "formal" (also referred to as "Black Tie") means tuxedos for men and evening dresses for women. If you are invited to someone's home for dinner, you may bring a small gift like a bottle of wine, candy or flowers. If there is no special occasion, a very expensive gift might embarrass the host or hostess. Some parties are "pot luck" or "covered dish" affairs. The idea is that everybody brings something. Sometimes the person giving the party will assign various types of food (breads, beverages, pasta, dessert) to different people to assure a variety. If a party is given on a B.Y.O.B. basis (it means bring your own bottle) you'll be expected to bring a beverage, often alcoholic. CARD AND GAME PARTIES are common in America. Bridge and poker are the two most popular card games, usually played for money, though often for very small amounts. Men's poker nights and women's bridge nights on a regular or weekly basis are common (though mixed groups also play these games). Americans may also invite you to a get-together to play "parlor games" such as charades, or commercial boxed games such as Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit or Pictionary. In good weather Americans like to entertain outside, either in back-yard barbecues or at picnics. For any get-together, it is perfectly polite to ask "May I bring something?" Even if they say "no", bring something tasteful like a delicacy or a fine candy. Should you be asked to someone's birthday, retirement or graduation celebration, just ask if gifts are going to be given to the person honored. Again, even if the answer is "no" you can bring something small and tasteful. When Americans give gifts, they often enclose a signed gift card. If you are invited to a wedding, a "bridal shower" or a "baby shower," you will be expected to bring a substantial gift. The "showers" are gift-giving events. If you need to buy a wedding gift, there is a peculiar and very practical American custom you should know about: the "bridal registry." The couple to be married will register at a particular store, choosing the household goods, china, silver and other items they would like. You can then contact that store and purchase one of the items, knowing all the time that you'll be getting the couple something they really want, instead of their fourth automatic toaster. Any etiquette book or a guide like Winifred Gray's "You and Your Wedding" can give you valuable pointers as to what is appropriate. Whenever you are invited somewhere, try to find out in advance how long the event will last. Don't overstay your welcome. It is also important not to be late. If it is a large party not a sit-down dinner party you might have flexibility of an hour or two as to when you may arrive. WHEN YOU ENTERTAIN Americans in your own home, treat them as they would treat you. Offer them something to eat or drink. Offer to take their coats and hang them up somewhere properly and neatly. Take them on a short tour of your home and make sure they see where the toilets are located so they don't have to ask you when that critical moment arrives. Americans are often embarrassed to ask. TABLE MANNERS are important in America, and may be different from those of your country. They are complicated, and you should consult a good guide to etiquette for a complete view. In general, however, Americans try to eat neatly, without making a lot of noise. If something on the table is out of their reach, they politely ask someone to pass it to them. Food should be lifted up to the mouth. Do not bend over to eat it. Sit up as straight as you can without being uncomfortable. Do not talk with your mouth full. Table napkins are placed on your lap, folded in half if they are very large. If you are in a small group, it is polite to wait to start eating until the host sits down and begins. With larger groups, you may begin after noting that a few people have begun. You may also begin if the host urges you to. Use your fork, knife and spoon to eat your food. There are some exceptions, like lobster and corn on the cob, cookies, shrimp, and fried chicken and other foods. Better watch what other people do. If you do eat with your hands, don't lick your fingers to clean them. Use the napkin carefully. If you have to take food out of your mouth, such as a pit or bone, do it carefully and quietly. It is not polite to pick your teeth at the table to remove trapped food. If you must do this before the end of the meal, excuse yourself and go to the restroom. MAKING CONVERSATION Americans can become fairly intimate and personal in conversation, though controversial subjects like religion and politics are often best avoided, at least until you get a good idea of the views of the people you are talking to. An accepted conversation starter is "What do you do?" meaning "What do you do for a living?" "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" is also a safe question. Americans also love to talk about their children. Since Americans are not particularly open about the subject of death, you will want to make sure a person's parents are alive before referring to them or asking about them. One of the most useful books ever published about the American art of conversation is "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie. You can find it in any general interest bookstore in the "Personal Growth" section. The recent books by E.D. Hirsch, "Cultural Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know" and "The Dictionary of Cultural Literacy," give a good guide to topics and references that will lead to success in conversing with well-educated Americans. Americans can spend a great deal of time in casual social circumstances talking about astrology. You can be sure that sooner or later you will be asked "What's your sign?" in a friendly manner. If you don't know your sign you can find it in any newspaper's astrology column. Even if you don't believe in astrology, it is often a good, non-controversial subject of conversation among people who do not know each other well. Unless you know an American very well, it is not a good idea to criticize American society, apparent social injustices, or ways of doing things. Americans usually think their way of doing things is either the best way or the only way. They have little exposure to or knowledge of other cultures. You might be 100% right in your criticism, but you won't get the point across to someone unwilling to consider it. In a social setting with people you have just met, starting such a political argument is undiplomatic. With people you already know, you can take some chances with controversial subjects. POLITICS Remember this: Americans are not as politically involved or concerned as many other nationalities, but they all have political beliefs of some sort even if many of the beliefs are simplistic. They get very upset when you criticize or question the things they believe in. If someone starts a conversation with you on a subject you consider tactless, improper or offensive, it is best to try to change the subject rather than making the problem worse by asking the other person embarrassing or personal questions. Don't lower yourself to the other person's level. If someone pays you a compliment, do not protest or deny the truth of the statement (as in many other cultures). Accept the compliment graciously and with thanks. When invited into an American home and given a tour, compliment the home and its furnishings. If the television or home entertainment system is impressive, make sure to say so. Americans are very proud of these items. When shown the children of the house, either in person or with photographs, a polite compliment is also in order regardless of your personal reaction. SMOKING Americans get very excited about the issue of smoking, and it is not a good idea to get Americans too excited about any particular issue. Smoking was highly acceptable a few decades ago, but now smokers are in a dwindling minority. Many states and localities have laws limiting the public areas in which people may smoke, or mandating non-smoking areas in restaurants. Cigarette advertising has been banned from radio and television for many years. Many trains and airlines do not allow smoking at all. If you do smoke and are not sure whether it is legal or polite to smoke in a public or private area, it is common American practice to politely ask "Is smoking allowed?" or "Do you mind if I smoke?" Do not reach for your cigarettes while you are asking these questions. To be on the safe side, assume that it is not all right. If you smoke, be aware that you are a member of a minority that is getting smaller every day. Americans who give up smoking are often the loudest critics of the habit and the least tolerant. Successful businesses have sprung up to help people quit smoking, with many public service and health groups joining in on a non-profit basis. If you've ever thought of quitting, America is a good place to do it in. You'll find a great deal of sympathy and help. At dinner with others, it is NOT polite to smoke between courses. The proper time to smoke, if the practice is accepted at all, is during coffee and dessert. A NOTE ON LITTERING While many American cities are far from clean, you don't have to add to the mess. It is not acceptable in America to throw trash into the street or onto the sidewalk. Use a proper trash receptacle. It is also not acceptable to spit, blow your nose with your fingers or urinate on the street. RECYCLING of newspapers, cans, bottles, and all sorts of packaging and containers is widely practiced in America. Organized recycling is becoming more widespread as American concern for the environment and the problems of waste disposal increases. Because of the stress on recycling, household trash must not only be disposed of neatly, but also in a way that assures that recyclable materials are properly separated. ********************************************* SOME AMERICAN CUSTOMS FOR IMMIGRANTS was an excerpt from LIFE IN THE USA: A COMPLETE GUIDE FOR IMMIGRANTS AND AMERICANS, by Elliot Essman Another report -- PERSONAL SAFETY AND CRIME IN THE UNITED STATES: HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF -- is available free. With it I'll also send you information about a full line of publications that cover everything you need to know about coming to the USA to live. IF YOU ALREADY LIVE IN THE USA, send a business-sized envelope with your address written neatly or typed and two first class postage stamps. IF YOU ARE LOCATED OUTSIDE THE USA, send a business-sized envelope with your address written neatly or typed and two international postal coupons or $1.00 US to cover mailing costs. Please do not send E-mail. 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