A COMPILATION OF BOOK REVIEWS BY ROBERT MAURO ---------- COPING WITH LONELINESS By Robert Mauro According to COPING WITH LONELINESS, published in 1984 by The Rosen Publishing Group, Inc., and written by Paul J. Gelinas, a Long Island sex therapist and psychologist, there are four types of loneliness: 1. INTERPERSONAL, which is felt mostly by widows, widowers, patients in hospitals, and prisoners. 2. COSMIC, which can be caused by a lack or a loss of faith. 3. CULTURAL, which is experienced by tourists and immigrants. 4. SOCIAL, which minorities such as African Americans and disabled people feel. According to Gelinas, who has taught at four universities, loneliness can make you ill, lead to depression and cause anxiety. You might even experience a feeling of uncomfortableness while around people. And, says the author, loneliness is actually a symptom of a deeper problem, namely frustration. If for some reason you are unable to socialize, you become frustrated then anxious. The anxiety forces you to withdraw. As a result, you become lonely, depressed and feel unable to join the fun others may be experiencing. If you are disabled, you could also be feeling guilt because you might feel dependent. These guilt feelings can cause shyness, which in turn can cause anxiety and withdrawal. What causes loneliness? The chief cause of loneliness is frustration, writes Gelinas. If our need for social intimacy is denied, anger can result. You can become bitter and socially cold, which further isolates you. Ultimately, you're in a vicious circle of frustration, guilt, anger, anxiety, withdrawal, and loneliness. You begin to feel trapped and hopeless. But there is hope. You have the power to break free from this circle of loneliness. The first step is to forget about your own loneliness. Try to realize that others are equally lonely. By understanding their needs and reaching out to them, you can begin to pull yourself free of loneliness. You might even make a few friends along the way. You must also try to realize that frustration and denial of that frustration are the causes of your loneliness. Ahhh, you say. But you're disabled and you're lonely because you are more isolated than nondisabled men and women. Moreover, you are lonely because your need to be with others is frustrated. Yes, this could be true. So you must, therefore, try to widen your horizons, says the author. If you are dependent on a relative, see if you can get an aide. Home a lot? Try to take college courses, get into volunteer work, join a community or church group. Get involved. Get active on on-line Internet lists for the disabled like Mobility@sjuvm.stjohns.edu! Try to help yourself by helping others. Find someone you like on such a list, and send them private e-mail. Maybe place a personal. Hey, a romance will blossom, or just a great friendship. We all need love and friends, especially when the heat or snow traps us in the house. Gelinas says lonely people are afraid to risk loving people. Well, forget about love -- for now, anyway. Start out with friendship and understanding. Be empathetic towards others. They don't need your pity. They need your ability to listen as a friend. They need just what you need -- someone besides themselves. If you really want to cure your loneliness, says the author, don't cry about no one reaching out to you. Start trying to reach out to others. You'll soon find that your loneliness is fading away. And you are more able to cope with it. ---------- HOW TO FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE By Robert Mauro Today men and women are growing closer than ever before, says Ben Dominitz, author of HOW TO FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE: 90 DAYS TO A PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP. Published by Prima Publishing & Communications, the book is, if anything, interesting reading. According to Dominitz, men and women have returned to the age of touch dancing. This is symbolic of the 80's, and probably more so in the 90's. The ME generation of the 70's is over. Men and women once again want the closeness such touch dancing allows. The days of dancing without touching are over. The big question remains, however: How do you find a partner to "dance" with, to enjoy a loving, sexual relationship with? You have to begin by thinking that not all men or all women are "bitches or jerks." At least that's what Dominitz says. There are good people out there. So you must start your search with a positive attitude. Try not to let those who reject you hurt you. Remember, if you are rejected, it's not your problem, it's theirs. You must like yourself if you're ever to be liked by others. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking others are better than you -- or worse. You are just as good as anyone else. And others need not be rotten...even if a few certainly are! Don't be elitist of judgmental, says Dominitz. This is a way of putting down people, and tricking yourself into believing others aren't worth the effort and the emotional risks that wooing or dating takes. It's true that you are special in your own way, says the author, but we all are special. Ultimately what makes you attractive is your personality. Beauty fades, but a good heart, a good sense of humor, last forever. So how do you find the love of your life? Begin by realizing that there is, indeed, someone out there for you. Also, remember that the right person isn't always the one whom you just enjoyed sex with. A relationship takes more than that. You have to enjoy talking with the person. You should also enjoy being around him or her. Some other important skills you need to perfect are flirting, how to use eye contact, and giving and receive compliments. Books have been written about these subjects. Look them up at the Library of Congress Web Site. Then read a few of them. And keep checking out The PeopleNet DisAbility DateNet Home Page for articles about them. It's important to remember that when you meet someone, says the author, don't tell him or her your life's story. Keep a little mystery about yourself. And don't put all your eggs in one basket. Date more than one person at a time. At least until you've committed to that special someone. This will allow you to feel more at ease -- and less hurt if one of your dates rejects you. A very important point to remember is to take love, dating and relationships one step at a time. If you try to rush a relationship, you can burn it out and scare the person away. If you get nervous as you get deeper into a relationship, relax. This is normal. It happens to everyone. One thing we should all be particularly careful of, says Dominitz, is the tendency to look for the perfect match. If you keep finding fault with every man or woman you meet, the problem may be yours. You might be doing this to protect yourself from involvement. Try to remember that no one is perfect. But we all have our good points. You should also remember that the fear of getting involved is a common fear. We are all afraid of new things, especially new relationships. But with time and gentle perseverance, new friends can become more than friends. Just take it one step at a time. ---------- THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED By Robert Mauro One of the hardest things about love and life is being courageous enough to take chances, especially when it comes to loving yourself, God, or another person. It takes a great deal of self-esteem, and the ability to think positively. Some of us with disabilities have had our self-esteem crushed. We find it hard to think positively. As a result, some of us are afraid to love. We're afraid we're not good enough. We're afraid of rejection. We're afraid of being hurt. I've done a lot of research in this area and have found a book I highly recommend: Dr. M. Scott Peck's THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED. Dr. Peck, a psychiatrist, explores life, love and religion. He talks about our life map, created not always by ourselves, but by fundamentalistically ridged religion, family, school, and society. This ridged road map traps some of us on a narrow road, but we can re-write that road map, widen that once narrow path and live a fuller, happier, healthier life. Dr. Peck tells you how. In the second section of his book, Dr. Peck goes on to explain the difference between falling in love and real love. Falling in love is biological, genetic. Peck says it's a "trick" our genes play on us to draw us into marriage. It's a way of getting us to continue the species. Sex is the turn on here. You are driven by a strong sexual impulses to mate, to reproduce. But this passion soon cools. The honeymoon ends and you and your spouse begin to drift apart. With real love, however, the initial passion mellows into a deep, enduring friendship. You don't need to mold or change each other into your ideal mate/lover. You accept the person as he/she is. Real love is when two people are perfectly happy and capable of living on their own, but choose to be together. They don't need to be together. They want to be. Finally Dr. Peck tackles religion...well grace. He says that rigid, fundamentalist religion often creates a road so narrow, some of us become stalled, trapped, unable to move forward. Some religious authorities fill us with fear of a mean and vengeful God, who will damn us forever to Hell if we turn from the "right path." This causes some to leave our religion and to abandon God. Dr. Peck so lovingly says we need to see God not in the mean and vengeful image often created for us by narrow, vengeful, so-called religious authorities. Instead, we need to see God in the wonderful world of forests, birds, animals, the sea, the sky, even the stars. God didn't create a narrow path for us, says Dr. Peck, but a wonderfully open world filled with love and beauty. God is also within us, says Peck. In a way, God is our Unconscious trying to tell us how to grow. Mental illness can happen when we constantly try to repress the Unconscious. Our Conscious mind refuses to follow what our Unconscious mind is telling us. This refusal to follow our Unconscious can lead to anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Ultimately it is a fear to grow, a fear to leave a stifling marriage, a fear to become more independent, a fear to take a chance on love, or even a fear to tackle life outside our safe little bubble. Those who best conquer their fears and neuroses are those with a strong "will to grow." When you consider this wonderful book, THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED, you come to see it is, indeed, all about love. Love for ourselves. For others. For God. We are good people. And, yes, some roads are a bit more frightening to travel down (since we must be the sole navigator and not rely on directions from a Church or a State or a Parent). Moreover, we must believe in our heart and in our mind that the road less traveled is truly filled with wonder and beauty. All we need is the belief in ourselves to venture forth. In conclusion, we must think positively, not let our fears and doubts control us