Is Your Relationship Stuck?

                            Bruce Derman, Ph.D.


   Your relationship has hit a wall. Both of you want it to work, but
   you're caught up in a seemingly never ending roller coaster of blame
   and counterattacks. You only have eyes for the other's faults, and if
   you can't alter this view you are going to end up as another divorce
   statistic.


   This scenario results when couples unconsciously play the "difference"
   game. The game is played anytime the partners are using their
   differences to prove one of them is better or less than the other.
   This pursuit is the one common link for all intimate relationships
   that are in trouble, chaotic, or stuck.

   Some of the scenarios that couples attempt to prove are: "I am more
   emotionally developed." This is accomplished by one partner pointing
   out that the other is on a constant emotional seesaw, while they pose
   as the stable one.

   "I am more open." They explain that their partner won't share anything
   about his or her life, so that they feel shut out or ignored.

   "I am the problem." This results when the partner ties one's lack of
   sexual interest to the presence of a deep seated problem.

   Other favorite phrases include:


          I am more committed
          I am hurt more
          I am more misunderstood

   The purpose of playing the Difference Game is to protect each partner
   from moving beyond their safe comfort zone and risking some unknown
   and unacceptable feeling, thought, or image. The answer to the ranking
   of the difference game and its distancing effects is learning to
   develop a mutual attitude toward yourself and your partner. This
   perception allows you to see the equality that is at the core of your
   relationship. It is the real bond that exists between the two of you.
   An intimate connection can only occur between equals, where there is a
   deep recognition that we are:


          equally hurt
          equally frightened
          equally powerful and powerless

   To support this attitude, the mutual process shows you how to:


          see beneath the differences
          discover your sameness
          realize that your capacity for love and intimacy is equal

   The task of sustaining this attitude with your partners is not an easy
   one. It is essential that you no longer get seduced into believing
   hierarchical statements, such as: "he's a controlling person," "she's
   manipulative," "he's a selfish person," or, "she plays games." On the
   level playing field of mutuality there is a recognition that we all
   are controlling, manipulative, selfish, and play games. The only
   difference is in the style in which we choose to do it.

   The core of the mutual attitude is permission and acceptance. The
   permission to express and accept the integrity, without exception, of
   all one's thoughts, feelings, and images is central to this approach.
   This includes permission to feel:


          guilty
          powerless
          insecure
          scared
          successful

   The more of your human nature that you can accept, the more you can be
   that much less frightened, defensive, or hidden. You then have a
   greater capacity to experience your fullest passion.

   However, you need to remember that for all of us who are used to
   playing within the safe confines of the difference game, mutuality is
   an experience we are not accustomed to. The mutual path, although
   risky, does offer its sense of acceptance, respect, and integrity of
   the loving connection we all long for.


   Bruce Derman, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist, with over 20 years
   experience in doing psychotherapy with couples. He is the co-author
   with Michael Hauge of *We'd Have a Great Relationship if it Weren't
   for You*. The book is available though the Bookshelf Catalog. Dr.
   Derman is also staff psychologist at the Men's Center of Los Angeles.



          Copyright c 1996 by Pioneer Development Resources, Inc.
                          All rights reserved