PARENTING IN THE '90S

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Parents of a generation ago might have called it "raising children," but the challenges and risks of our modern world have given the job a new label--parenting.
	Parenting expands the concept of "raising children" beyond a focus on physical development, to the mental and emotional needs of children, who need a sensitive yet sensible, loving yet firm hand to guide them through the perils of maturation in today's world and safely into adulthood.
	At the same time, parents need to remember that a child is a separate individual, with his or her own temperament and abilities, especially as he or she grows older.  

Can I be the "perfect" parent?
Parents, like everyone, are not perfect.  They don't have--nor do they have to have--superhuman patience and forbearance.  You'll cause yourself--and, in the end, your child--more problems if you waste time feeling guilty about occasional resentment of your child's behavior or his or her demands on your time.
	Also keep in mind that you really can't control your child.   You can offer guidance and a good example, and express approval or disapproval, but all too often, and against all expectations, kids will be kids.  This doesn't mean that you're a bad parent.

What about my needs?  
You can't be expected to love a child unless you love yourself. So be sure to set aside time for yourself, to give yourself space to be who you are.  Then, when you return to your child, you'll be psychically refreshed, and able to rededicate yourself to his or her needs.
	Your needs also include the need for a relationship with your spouse or partner.  Although a child is a very special and cherished addition to a family, he or she is ultimately no more special and cherished than any other family member.  Don't automatically grant the child's wants or needs higher priority than those of you and your spouse.

Where does discipline fit into parenting? 
Many parents are afraid of being a parent, and are excessively permissive with their children in the mistaken belief that controlling what children do or see--protecting them from harm--is an abuse of power.  They give their children choice--forgetting that children don't have the maturity to make the right decisions.
	Because of numerous societal changes, childhood is no longer seen as a time of safe haven and protection from the adult world, but as a time of preparation.  Children are being exposed to the toxins of "real life" at a younger age, and at dangerous levels--and the stress is taking a physical and psychological toll.  Kids need the time and space to be kids, to develop at their own pace.  Parents who provide this type of environment go a long way towards raising healthy, happy children.
	An essential ingredient for this type of environment is discipline.  This misunderstood term does not mean physical punishment--hitting, slapping, pinching--all of which can convey the wrong messages:  1) disrespect for the child; 2) "I'm bigger than you, so I can get away with it"; 3) violence is the way to settle disputes.  Rather than discipline, this is what its name implies--punishment.
	Discipline means setting and enforcing rules, consistently and persistently, and tempering your authority with unconditional love.  Studies show that children whose parents are loving but authoritative do better in school and are happier and more successful.

How can I give my children what they need?
Here are 10 helpful tips:

1.  Accept your child.  Try to understand who your child is, and have realistic expectations of what he can become.  Try not to compare your child to others--this can make you envious and dissatisfied.

2.  Emphasize a child's strengths, not weaknesses.  For example, don't expect a studious, slight boy to become a linebacker.  Find an activity the child likes and encourage his participation.

3.  Try to be attuned to the issues and feelings your children struggle with at various ages.

4.  Make "quality time" together a priority.  Regular time with each other, even it's only 15 minutes, is better than the occasional, all-day catch-up.

5.  Listen.  Search for the meaning behind the words--like everyone else, children don't always mean what they say.

6.  Don't do everything for them.  Pampering isn't love, and it can keep a child forever dependent on others.

7.  Let your children make their own decisions, when appropriate.  They'll develop the decision-making skills needed to deal with the responsibility and freedom of adulthood.

8.  Be a parent.  Discipline is crucial, and kids both want and need it.

9.  Have fun together.  

10.  Correct misbehavior gently.  For minor infractions, use humor to make your point.  And if you lose your cool, apologize.  

This brochure is copyrighted 1994 by the American Medical Association Alliance, Inc.  For a free copy, contact the AMA Alliance at 515 N. State St., Chicago, IL 60610; 312/464-4470.  Quantities are available to the public at $19.95 per 100 copies, which includes shipping and handling.