GUIDELINES FOR SUCCESSFUL PARENTING FOR FAMILIES IN TRANSITION 1. Your main concern is the raising of your child. Make a conscious decision that you want what is in the best interests of your child. 2. Be business-like with the other parent; test all of your own behavior against this standard: Was I business-like? Did I conform to these guidelines? 3. Test the other parent's behavior not by how you feel; test by the same standard: Was the other parent's behavior business-like? Did it conform to these guidelines? 4. Respect your child's relationship with the other parent. Your children did not divorce either parent; don't force them to, and do encourage them to get over any feelings of estrangement from the other parent. 5. Make appointments to talk about business. Except for emergencies, call only during business hours or agreed upon times; always ask if the timing is convenient, and if not, make an appointment for a time that is. 6. Be polite; do not use bad language or call names. Do not try to conduct business under the influence of alcohol or drugs. If you feel yourself becoming angry or frustrated, say so and agree to resume the conversation at a later time. 7. Give the benefit of the doubt as to behavior as you would a stranger. Do not assume anything without checking it out thoroughly. 8. Do not expect approval from the other parent; get your own personal and emotional needs met elsewhere. On the other hand, if you are able to acknowledge something positive in word or deed of the other parent, do not withhold it. The rewards of expressing appreciation, no matter how small, is great incentive to the other parent to cooperate. 9. Make all agreements explicit and follow up with written confirmation when possible (if need be, maintain your own written log). Be clear and complete in communications. Communicate directly; DO NOT ask the children to do your business for you. 10. Keep agreements; do not break appointments; carry through on what you promised. If you can't promise something, make it clear that you can't and say why. Courtesy of Fathers United for Equal Rights of Maryland, Ltd. ---------- DEAR PARENT, As you are learning, a separation or custody decree cannot and does not end your responsibility as a parent. PARENTS ARE FOREVER. Both parents should make every attempt to be active in the lives of their children. Children need constant love, nurturing, and understanding from their parents. It is vital that children feel they have parents who love them, even though those parents could not be happy with one another. It is our hope that the information you gather from our meetings will assist you in helping your child cope with the pain of divorce and separation. The guidelines distributed at each meeting are based on the combined experiences of divorce fathers, social worker, and attorneys. You are like most people who go through the process of separation and divorce, you have feelings of isolation, despair, depression, loneliness, grief, guilt, and a loss of self confidence. You are worried about many things such as the welfare of your children, finances, new social life, employment, and the fulfillment of sexual needs. You can use this time of uncertainty as an opportunity for growth or surrender to self pity. The way you feel about yourself will affect the way your children feel about themselves. The way you cope with the many situations arising from your separation and divorce will greatly determine how your children cope with it. You are at a cross-road, living in the past, nurturing bitterness and hatred and turning your children against your former partner. This is a dead-ends road that leads to trouble and the possible destruction of the invaluable parent-child relationship. The other road, leads to becoming involved with experiences that provide opportunities for you to gain success in your endeavors, to get to know yourself better, restore your self confidence strengthen your relationship with your children, reach out for goals that will make your life productive, satisfying, and meaningful. The task of all parents, whether or not the marriage continues, is not easy. All parents make mistakes. But if you have a good relationship with your children, they will feel your love and warmth, they will quickly forget your mistakes and remember only your goodness. Sincerely, FATHERS UNITED FOR EQUAL RIGHTS, OF MARYLAND, LTD. Children Need Fathers, Not Weekend Visitors ---------- GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS WHEN THE OTHER PARENT IS ANGRY, HOSTILE, AND UNCOOPERATIVE In many situations the anger and bitterness of one parent towards the other causes breakdowns in communications with children, and the children are kept away from the noncustodial parent. It is extremely hard to know what is the best course of action to take in what seems to be helpless circumstances. However, we have learned some pitfalls to avoid and some long-range thinking and planning that help. 1. Develop a long-range perspective. Keep in mind that parental efforts often are not appreciated by children for years. Yet eventually children come around to understanding and appreciating the parent who has never given up and never abandoned them even through barriers to communications for contact. One day your children will be adult children, and if you never abandon them, they will come looking for you and be open to establishing a relationship with you. 2. Keep separate your issues with the other parent and your issues with your children. 3. Keep focused on your relationship with your children and make a commitment to direct your efforts toward what is truly in the best interests of the children. Do not allow frustration and anger with the other parent to dictate your actions and attitudes towards your children. 4. Emphasize with your children that you speak only for yourself and cannot speak for the other parent. Do not try to explain the other parent's behavior to the children. Refer them back to the other parent for clarification. Do clarify for children how you see the differences between you and the other parent without evaluation. 5. Do not interfere with your children's relationship with the other parent. Assume that the children want a relationship with both parents and will avoid at all costs the appearance of disloyalty in the eyes of either parent. Do not place your children in the position of having to choose between parents, do not put them in the position of having to show partiality. CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS. 6. Do not expect reform in the behavior of the other parent. Be realistic, accept that this person is not going to change, and go about getting the best you can get for you in relation to your children given the other parent's characteristics. 7. Be persistent about negotiating from a position of caring and concern for the children; show sensitivity toward legitimate concerns stated by the other parent and let the other parent know you acknowledge such concerns. 8. Build good will if possible. Be quick to acknowledge reasonableness and cooperation when it occurs. 9. Be fair and helpful when it is possible. Do not, however, accede to unreasonable demands, and do not bend over backwards to be accommodating. 10. Identify and avoid destructive communications with the other parent. Exercise self control to stay out of exchanges around issues you know from experience become repetitive and without productive outcome. 11. Be clear and definite in your communications. State your understanding of the other parent's position, make certain you have stated it accurately, ask for confirmation. State your position. If you feel the exchange is becoming unproductive, state your desire to move on to the next topic. 12. Make clear what your objectives are and how you will know when you have achieved them. Do not state less than or more than what you want about your children. Keep stating what you want and at least twice a year, write a letter summarizing how you see things and what you still want. 13. Do not threaten legal action. 14. Make clear that you intend to persevere by whatever reasonable, dispute resolution means you can. 15. Make clear that you are not going to give up and go away, and that the other parent will have to continue to deal with your. 16. Keep dialogue open about your children. Encourage the other parent to tell you about significant events, idiosyncrasies, special toys, relationships, educational and medical problems. If the other parent is withholding about these matters do not retaliate and do continue to keep the other parent informed without evaluation. 17. If you must resort to litigation as a final measure, or if the other parent involves you in legal action, give warning before taking each step. Courtesy of FATHERS UNITED FOR EQUAL RIGHTS OF MARYLAND, LTD. ---------- 1. DO NOT poison your child's mind with bitter criticisms of the other parent. 2. DO NOT connect your child support payments with visitation privileges. 3. DO NOT force or encourage your child to take sides. 4. DO NOT upset your child's routine to abruptly. 5. DO NOT interfere with your child's relationship with his/her grandparents, other relatives or friends with whom they have a healthy relationship. 6. DO NOT make promises to your child that you find difficult to keep. 7. DO NOT attempt to replace your child's mother with your girlfriend or new spouse. 8. DO NOT play favorites with your child or hold the fact that they love their mother against them. 9. DO NOT use the child to learn the confidences of the other parent. 10. DO NOT attempt to communicate to your former spouse through your child. Speak or write to your former spouse directly. D O 1. DO assure your child that s/he is not to blame for the breakup of the family. Avoid making them feel the least bit of guilt. 2. DO be discreet when you expose your child to any girl-friends with whom you may be emotionally involved. 3. DO notify your former spouse as soon as possible, if you are unable to comply with your scheduled visitation. 4. DO minimize the time your child is in the care of strangers in order to avoid their feeling rejected or abandoned. 5. DO explain to your child that they still have two parents and encourage them; to love the other parent. Courtesy of Fathers United for Equal Rights of Maryland, Ltd. ---------- End of Document