Seven Weeks to Sexual Heaven

                         by Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D.,


   Does your love life have all the excitement of a wet noodle? Have you
   forgotten what it's like to tingle when you kiss? Do you and your
   partner feel, at the end of the work day, like you're just too tired
   to make love -- or even cuddle? If so, then clear your mind of all the
   well-worn notions of what it takes to got yourself In the mood, as
   they say, and be prepared to follow these simple -- yet specific --
   steps towards a more fulfilling and passionate sex life.

   That's right -- no classical music, no wine and roses, no toe-nibbling
   or ear-blowing. This is a seven-week regimen of graduated sensual
   exercises which, when followed, has been proven to improve the
   romantic lives of thousands of couples.

   In the 26 years since I've been teaching them, I've witnessed the
   resurrection of thousands of relationships from growing old and stale
   -- gracefully,

   Before I get into specifics, I'd like to point out that the reason
   most couples find it difficult to combine love and sex is that the
   feeling of great sex -- which is initially so exhilarating -- becomes
   frightening as individuals fear losing themselves In the other person.
   This hearkens back to the feelings we had in infancy, when we lost
   ourselves in our mother's arms. The key is letting go, but knowing
   that you can regain control when you want to. This is a way to
   "un-daddy" or "un-mommy" your partner.

   This is a treatment of feelings not bodies. The bodies are used to
   access the feelings, which make this therapy different.

   When the sexual impulse is broken, as in all sexual dysfunction, it
   indicates a strong disconnection from self. It is the sex therapist's
   role to help the individuals heal the injury, and reconnect with
   themselves again, and then with each other. The exercises I teach take
   both time and commitment, so you and your partner should be ready and
   willing to make an effort.

  FIRST WEEK

   Toss a coin. The winner has the privilege of initiating the first
   sensuous exercise -- of being the one who is touched.

   To start this process, the winner must say, at some point during the
   next week, "I want to be touched now." He/she must take the partner by
   the hand into the bedroom and get undressed with the light on, get
   into the bed and proceed to show your partner where you want to be
   touched -- with the exception of the breasts and genitals-- by giving
   non-verbal signs, such as moving the toucher's hand and pressing it
   down for harder and up for gentler touching. No return touch -- and no
   intercourse -- is allowed. The touchee must concentrate on what he/she
   is feeling. Drink it in!

   This should proceed anywhere from 15- 45 minutes. When the touchee has
   had enough, switch roles and proceed with the same.

   This process is not a performance. Let your feelings arise as they
   will, focusing on what you are feeling at the moment. Even If they
   turn out not to feelings of arousal, but sadness, anger, and pain.

  SECOND WEEK

   Continue with the touching exercises, but now make sure you do them
   three times a week. See just how experimental you can get without
   touching breasts or genitals. Try playing with feathers, or even
   unusual locations, such as the shower.

   Experiment with kissing. Many couples have abandoned kissing and move
   right to sex. Kissing is an important part of this exercise as you
   can't depersonalize sex while looking into someone's eyes.

  THIRD WEEK

   You are going to bring genital sex Into your sex life now--but in a
   new way. Continue with the three sessions, but finish them by
   masturbating simultaneously in front of each other. This may sound
   strange at first -- like the opposite of intimacy -- but you will find
   that once you have shared this ultimate secret with each other, your
   intimacy will become even more profound. I've heard feedback from
   couples who say that after this exercise, their partner becomes more
   real to them.

  FOURTH WEEK

   Include breasts but not genitals in each of your three sessions this
   week. It is up to the touchee to decide when to stop You may also
   indicate how you want your breasts touched. (Many women allow their
   breasts to be touched in a way that is not stimulating, simply because
   they are too shy to ask for what they want.)

  FIFTH WEEK

   This week, together each of you should stand before a full-length
   mirror. Say what you like about your body out loud. Do not compare
   your body to anyone else's.

   Then take a good look at your genitals, like a doctor giving a
   physical exam. Again out loud, describe everything you see. The
   purpose of this is to make yourself more comfortable with your
   genitals. When you are finished the partner goes next.

   Next, start your usual touching session. Then you can explore the
   genitals, with the touching guiding the partner's hand as you explore
   each partners' private parts, but only for a minute.

   During the second session, experiment with the arousal. Let it build
   and subside. You will discover, in time, that arousal and erection
   will return over and over again. After orgasm, help guide your
   partner's hand on your genitals, showing what you would like after sex
   as well.

  SIXTH WEEK

   Start experimenting with variations such as oral sex. By now you
   should realize that the key to intimacy is expressing your needs and
   the key to releasing your feelings to the ability to linger with them.
   Continue the exercises, but now note that the touchee may respond as
   he/she wishes.

  SEVENTH WEEK

   Don't forget to touch the whole body before you touch the genitals.

   After some period of touching, the man should lie flat on his back and
   the woman should straddle him. She should gently insert only the tip
   of his penis into her vagina for one minute only. Do not move. Make it
   a "nice visit." Return to stroking. Do not have intercourse. During
   the next session, do the same thing, but the woman should gradually
   put the man's penis inside her. Notice how you are joined together.

   Now you can go "all the way," trying different positions. This may be
   the first time you've experienced such closeness. Hopefully, the
   intimacy you now feel will make you view your sexuality In a whole new
   -- and exciting -- light!

   Whether you are a heterosexual or gay couple, your success at this
   program using this article, a book, video how-to package, or a week's
   workshop, depends on your motivation, and your ability to go slow and
   not rush to orgasm or intercourse. You must learn that you do not turn
   each other on, but YOU TURN YOURSELVES ON WITH EACH OTHER.


   Dagmar O'Connor, Ph.D., Psychologist and the first woman sex therapist
   to be trained by Masters and Johnson in New York City. She has
   practiced as a sex therapist for the past 26 years. In addition to her
   private practice, she is the former Director of the Sex Therapy
   Program, Department of Psychiatry, St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital
   Center in New York City.

   You can get information about Dr. O'Connor's books and videos at Dag
   Media Corp. (800) 520-5200



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