DISABLED SEX
                               By Gary Karp

  The following is an excerpt from Gary's upcoming book, LIFE ON WHEELS.

     Intimacy really has much less to do with sexual "function" than many
people assume. Caring touch is what truly satisfies - giving and receiving
it. Loving and being loved is ultimately a more powerful human exchange than
"raw sex" and can be expressed in an infinite variety of ways. Subtlety
and sensuality between two people who care about each other's happiness can
be the sexiest experience available to us in this life. This has very
little to do with the act of genital intercourse, and is clearly available
to anyone.
     Regardless of any disability, the human need for contact is innate.
There is not a person alive who is not nurtured and healed by sincere loving
contact. In this sense, a disability can be a gift. Once the ability to
"perform" in the stereotypical sense becomes limited, the focus can shift
to gentler and often more intimate levels of sexuality. The pressure is
off, and a couple can simply savour the truth of their loving feelings, as
easily expressed through a kiss or caress as through genital sexual
intercourse. Sex becomes more of an adventure, a chance to discover that
there are many ways to touch, many parts of the body that are highly
sensitive. That orgasm can take new forms.
     In fact, disabled sex can be even better. Sensuality is, by its nature,
driven by deep emotions. Stronger feelings make for better sex. The
widespread emphasis on "normal" intercourse and orgasm can often be a
distraction from this deeper personal connection between lovers. For a
disabled person, sex can become much more precious exactly because of the
existence of limitations. The principle holds that once you have lost
certain options the others become more precious. If you experienced early
fears that sexual activity may not be an option - or simply worried that
sex would be complicated - the discovery of deeper intimacy in a
relationship takes on added meaning. Changing the emphasis from
intercourse to caring intimacy - and that many, many remaining options for
lovemaking - is precisely what makes it possible. It makes for a
heightened sense of the miracle of human sexuality. There is relief in
discovering that one can be affirmed as a sensual being regardless of any
physical disability, that it can enhance our awareness of love - and sex -
really is